It’s midnight and I can’t sleep. I’ve been surfing the web and I stumbled upon an article by one Samantha Brick. Some of you may recognize the name; apparently she caused quite a controversy last year when she wrote an article about how pretty she is, how women hate her because of it, and men love her for it. You know I had to look at those comments; it was an absolute bloodbath. Woman after woman, and the odd man here and there, were posting comments about how she’s really not all that pretty, how she’s full of herself and how ridiculous it is of her to think that other women were jealous of her.
Now I’ll admit, when I first saw the pictures of her, I was expecting Elle McPherson’s and Giselle’s love child. She wasn’t. But does that really mean that other women can’t be jealous of her? I loved what she wrote. Sure she sounded conceited but I admire the fact that she had the balls to be like “I’m pretty. Deal with it.” Did she have to write an entire article on it? Probably not.
See the thing about society is the minute you call it out on its bull, everyone suddenly looks at you like you’re the crazy one. Do I think that every woman is jealous of Samantha Brick? Hell no. Maybe a few, I think that’s normal for most everyone. But the minute she calls it out, people get defensive and start attacking her. What for? Most of the comments were in the vein of “she’s really not even that pretty…...” Umm..who said so? What exactly are you using as the litmus test for pretty, and it better not be the fake shit we’re bombarded with daily. I don’t care if the girl is covered with acne and overweight, if she wants to stand up and say “I know I’m pretty and you guys can suck it”, then I’ll be right there cheering her on. Next time though, she can find a more graceful way of saying it, cause she really did sound a bit too much in love with herself.
Oh, and as a P.S., I think a lot of people go on the Internet wanting to get offended. They see or read something, take it totally out of context and start a useless fight where nobody really wins. To those people I say, get a life.
It’s been almost a week since Evans, (remember Evans? Yeah, he and I patched things up and have been seeing each other for the last month or so) pulled a Houdini and vanished out of my life. Excluding that first day where I was checking my phone every 20 minutes, I’m surprised by how little it hurts. Actually, it doesn’t hurt at all. I’m filled with a deep disappointment at what could have been. Read my words real close, what could have been.
I stumbled upon this wonderful blog and a lot of things he said really hit home. I’m not hurt by what Evans did because it wasn’t the first time he disappeared on me and so I’m not all that surprised. He acted like he was really invested in me, and us, and so I felt safe to start building castles in the sky. I was already thinking about what it’d be like when we would begin a relationship, and treating him and expecting him to behave like a boyfriend.
Basically what the blog said is that women tend to get all excited by a promising date(s) and we start to have these wonderful hopes and fantasies that are way ahead of reality. So when things end badly after a few dates, you get devastated not because you were crazy about this guy, but because you’re grieving the loss of all those castles you had built in the sky. The bottom line is that the only time you should allow yourself to get excited and carried away with your imagination, is when the man is officially your boyfriend. Up until that point, the man is not real, it’s all ba
Some people may disagree with this but his words had a ring of truth to them. I liked Evans a whole lot; he was the second person in two years who made me seriously consider a relationship. But I hadn’t invested enough into him to be devastated when he disappeared, especially considering he’d done it before. So I didn’t understand why I was hurting so much that first day.
Then it clicked, I wasn’t hurting cause of losing Evans; I’m actually glad that he’s gone because his cowardly stunts are a bit too immature for my liking. I was hurt because I had planned out a whole relationship with this boy. (note that I use boy instead of man). He was going to be the one to snuggle with me, to hold me when I want to be held, you can fill in the rest. Yes, we had talked about relationships and we were headed there, but in my head I had already planned it out to a T. And I was hurting because I was losing out on all that. If I had taken things slower and managed my expectations, I would have saved myself 12 whole hours of pure misery. :)
Evans is a wonderful guy and I know I could be happy with him. But his disappearing acts show that he wouldn’t always be able to be there for me and there are times he’d put his comfort before my emotional needs. And like the blog said, ‘what’s the point of having a lousy relationship with a great person? The lousy relationship would end up overshadowing how great the person is’ or something like that, I’m paraphrasing.
I think I had an epiphany. I’ve been reading and pondering on both Steve Harvey’s and Karrine Steffans’ books on love and relationships and I realized something that I consider to be quite profound.
Women are raised believing in fairytales. We believe that we have a soul mate somewhere out there. Some smart women, myself included, prepare ourselves for him by poring over every relationship article in magazines, novels and by swapping the same old tales that have been passed down to us. And we hope and we pray that the day he comes, we’ll be wise enough to know how to keep him, and more importantly how to keep him happy.
But a few days ago, while I was brushing my teeth of all times, I realized something. I don’t know whether it was the words from the books I read echoing in my head or if I just had a light bulb moment. Karrine once said that even when you marry him, no man can ever be yours. He remains an individual. That “my man” mentality really screws up. I know; it’s happened to me. She also said in a different chapter that she could not give a foolproof list to the perfect blowjob, since all men like different things.
Ha ha, I know you’re definitely thinking I’m loco but maybe a few of you can see where I’m going with this. There is no foolproof list to the perfect relationship. No book has all the pearls of wisdom; no one person knows it all. And if you do happen to grab all these little tidbits of wisdom being thrown at you from all these different sources, you still have no guarantee of a perfect relationship. Sure, you’ve definitely increased the odds of your relationship surviving, but you still will never be able to kick up your feet and say “Well, that’s it. I will always have a blissful relationship.” Cause even then the man will not belong to you. No matter what you do, he will always be an individual who CHOOSES to stay with you because he wants to, and not because you wear sexy lingerie every night, or you always meet him at the door when he comes home or whatever.
No matter how perfect you are, no matter how good of a girlfriend you are, your man will never be your property. For the third time, he will always be an individual. And whether he stays with you or not, you’ll never know. Who can fully understand an individual? I’m sure you don’t even fully understand yourself 100%, 100% of the time.
If you’re anything like me, right now you’re fed up. You spend all this time learning and storing all this information only to realize it doesn’t come with a guarantee!? But after I thought about, I realized it’s actually a huge relief. Say what now? Ha ha, see the thing is that I’m a perfectionist. I hold myself to high standards and I get quite disappointed when I let myself down. When a relationship ends, I have to be careful not to blame myself. I once blamed myself for my ex cheating on me multiple times, but that was when I had issues with my self worth. So knowing that if one of my relationships ever ends, it wasn’t wholly my fault is a huge, huge relief.
Women are trained to believe in The One and that if we lose him, chances are that you’ll never find someone else like him. When you make a mistake and he leaves, you blame yourself. Or at least that’s what I used to do. So remembering that he’s an individual who chooses to stay with you and chooses to leave absolves you of some of the blame.
Sorry, I think that I started rambling a little. :) My point is, and I reiterate, there is no foolproof list to the perfect relationship. No book has all the pearls of wisdom; no one person knows it all. And if you do happen to grab all these little tidbits of wisdom being thrown at you from all these different sources, you still have no guarantee of a perfect relationship. Sure, you’ve definitely increased the odds of your relationship surviving, but you still will never be able to kick up your feet and say “Well, that’s it. I will always have a blissful relationship.
** I wrote this two days ago, just haven't had time to upload it.
I miss him. It’s ludicrous, I know but I can’t help it. The worst part is that he lives right next to me. Fortunately, or unfortunately, he rarely leaves the house so the chances of us bumping into each other are beyond slim. But I keep wishing we do. Not that I want to see him or talk to him, no way. I just want to see how he’ll react. Will he be disgusted when he spots me? Or will he have a look of total indifference. Bree Van De Kamp once said that the opposite of love isn’t hate. It’s indifference. That’s always stuck with me.
I keep wondering if he’ll text me to apologize. I keep hoping he will. He could never get a second chance with me but it’d be really good to know that he regrets what he said to me. I still can’t believe he told me to kill myself and to hell. Smiley face included. I mean, who says things like that!? This isn’t high school. I finally get what all the experts mean when you say that you can’t blame yourself for other people’s behaviour. I know he blames me for spoiling his mood but really, he’s a grown man. If he goes psycho when he gets mad, that really has nothing to do with me.
I’m lonely. I know that if things were normal I’d be at his place today. Instead I went and played with my little cousins, aged 4 and 7. Children can really help when you’re blue. Their joie de vivre can’t help but lift your spirits. I don’t have his number which really helps. I wish I’d have kept his text so that every time I start missing him I read it and get mad again. But I just picture the smiley face at the end and that works just fine.
I have learnt something though. He clearly wasn’t my Mr. Right. Or even my Mr. Right now. I’m in awe by how little I knew him. He called me two days ago to tell me that he wasn’t going to hurt me and that he was going to make me happy. I believed him. I still believe him. I know he intended to do so, but his anger management issues are a red flag if I ever saw one. I’ve also learnt a little about myself. How I handled myself with him makes me really disappointed. I was stubborn and it’s as though I’d be actively picking fights. Clearly that’s something I need to fix.
Update: I wrote his text on a sticky note and stuck it to the front of my closet door. That way I’ll constantly see it and be reminded of all the reasons why I shouldn’t be missing him. Even though it’s inevitable; I am human, after all.
“Delete my number, kill yourself and go to hell. :)” That’s what he told me; inclusive of the smiley face.
‘He’ is some guy who lives in my nieghbourhood. We’ve been spending a lot of time together the past month of so, and the friendship was slowly developing into something more. We kissed for the first time on Monday. So how did it go from that to him proclaiming his wishes for my demise? You wouldn’t even believe it.
I was watching something on his laptop and it was in a different language; I could only make out bits and pieces. I asked him to translate, he refused. I asked him again, he refused. I told him to stop being so stubborn and asked him to translate. To which he replied that I should just listen, think it over and I’ll understand. So by this time I’m pretty frustrated. That is a really dumb thing to say. So I yelled at him and told him just that. Seriously, if I don’t know the language then how is thinking it over going to help me understand it!!??
He got really mad that I yelled and he didn’t speak to me again. I left soon after, thinking he was totally overreacting. When I got home, I realized how I disrespected him, called him and apologized. But I still wasn’t satisfied. I wanted to apologize properly; face to face. So I called him and asked him to step outside his house so we could talk. At which point he said that he has no time for me and I should go to hell.
No one has ever told me that before. I was seething, seeing red. But after I thought about, I knew that I would not be satisfied until I made things right on my part. So I wrote a note apologizing and admitting my mistake, and I told him that after what he said there’s no way we could be friends again. He replied by thanking me for ruining his day, saying he was glad that I was out of his life and the aforementioned “Delete my number, kill yourself and go to hell. :)”. That’s it. Out of nowhere.
Now seriously, I have to ask. What is wrong with people these days? How do you tell someone to kill themselves, even adding a smiley face at the end. Think about it, how would you feel if that person did just that? The guilt would haunt you for the rest of your life. By telling someone to kill themselves, you’re essentially saying that they do not deserve to live. How dare you give yourself the authority to play out God and decide who deserves life and who doesn’t?
If I was the woman I was a year ago, I would’ve blamed this all on myself. And no doubt his words would have kept me up at night. But now I’m smart enough to know that this was his problem. I may have made a mistake but I felt remorse and I really tried to make amends. He didn’t want me to kill myself, the sole purpose of that text was to hurt me as much as possible. That says so much about him. If this is how he reacts over a simple argument, I don’t want to know what would happen if we ever had a real fight. He’s emotionally abusive and I’m really glad that I found out this early.
The funny thing is I forgive him. Getting closer to God has made it easier to just let things go and keep on moving. I just can’t believe he turned out to be this crazy, he always seemed so sweet.
I’ll leave you with a quote that I’ve always loved: I thought that you were my knight in shining armor but you were just a jerk in tin foil.
I have decided (for the tenth time!) that it’s time for me to get into shape. I always say this and start out great for a week or so but then inevitably, I fall off the wagon. And I’m super at making excuses for it. My favourite excuse is that I refuse to exercise on the basis that my body is fine just as it is, and I don’t need to conform to someone else’s idea of a perfect body. It really is the perfect excuse cause I get to be lazy and feel like I’m taking a stand against something. :)
But this time I’m dedicated. So dedicated in fact, that I’m going out to buy a sports bra this week. :) (I’ve never bothered to buy one cause I never thought I’ll exercise enough to use it.) I can see a little extra stomach padding and if I don’t start getting fit, by the end of this year I will definitely have a love handle. :/ :/ :/
I’ve never been really into gyms; having to go to and fro would provide a great excuse during my lazy days. Instead I prefer workout dvds. I’ve been doing Zumba on and off for nearly the past year. Then a few days ago I stumbled upon a fitness dvd called 10 Minute Trainer by Beach Body. Some friends of mine did a program called Insanity also by Beach Body and were raving about so I decided to give 10 Minute Trainer a chance.
It is crazy! I’ve only been doing it for three days and already my muscles feel tighter. The dvd pack also comes with a timetable for both beginners and for accelerated results, which is harder. I’m doing the beginners, of course. The timetable shows which exercises to do every day, for a whole month. They also advise you to record your measurements the first day, and when you finish the program. I was going to put mine but chickened out at the last minute. :)
I really hope I’m able to complete the whole month. After getting so used to Zumba, now I realize that what I was doing wasn’t enough. I didn’t really get what low/high level intensity exercise was; I actually thought that dance aerobics was pushing myself. :) Anyway, wish me luck?
I just finished rereading the Princess Diaries series. I LOVED these books when I was in high school; I mean, who wouldn’t? Mia wasn’t necessarily pretty, she definitely wasn’t popular and she had zero breasts. And she still ended up with a fairytale life. Quite literally, since she was a royal. What teenage girl wouldn’t love it?
I guess some people might think I’m too old to still be reading these books. But deep beneath Mia’s droning on and on about self-actualization is a wonderful romance story. I seriously was up from 2 in the morning till midday reading books 8 through 10, about Mia’s breakup, and makeup, with Michael. I don’t care if she was still in high school and called sex ‘Doing It’. Their story is beautiful and heartwarming and I, for one, am a total sucker for Michael Moscovitz. And his neck.
True, romance stories typically have the same plot with different variations. But there is no denying that a good romance story has the power to lift you out of your blues and restore your hope where it was lost. (ask anyone who’s ever watched the Notebook. Cliché, yes Do I care? No.) and sometimes you really do need a pick-me-up. I really need a pick-me-up. I’m starting to seriously wonder when I’ll date again.
Anyway, this post is not about woes. I have a feeling that one will be coming up soon enough. Now that I’m done with the Princess Diaries, I plan to move on to my Harlequin novels that I downloaded free from their website. Yay for me. :)
There’s a plaque hanging in our corridor that’s been there since God knows when. It’s not exactly in mint condition and I’ve seen it so many times that my eyes slide past it without even acknowledging it’s there. Then a couple of weeks ago while I was brushing my teeth, I took the time to read it. It’s called “Daily Mirror”. Here it goes.
· I will live each day as fully and confidently as I can and let God take care of the rest.
· I will be unafraid of life and death, unafraid to enjoy the beautiful and to be happy.
· I will realize that I am a part of mankind as a whole and know that as I give to the world so the world will give to me.
· I will accept responsibility for my acts and decisions and I will not blame someone else when things go wrong.
· I will not automatically resent criticism because I realize that it may contain a suggestion for improving myself.
· I will not lose my temper readily, or find fault with “every little thing”.
· I will keep my head in emergencies and deal with them reasonably and with due consideration.
· I will accept reasonable delays without impatience, realizing that I must adjust myself to the convenience of others.
· I will not worry unnecessarily about thing I can not do anything about.
· I will not boast or “show off” but when I am praised or complimented, I will accept with grace and appreciation.
· I will rejoice in the good fortune and success of others without petty jealousy or envy.
· I will listen politely to the opinions of others even when they hold opposing views.
· I will make reasonable plans for my activities and try to carry them out in an orderly way.
· I will find time to relax, time to think about God and get a better perspective on myself.
There it is. Nothing profoundly deep, things every adult possessing sound mind already knows. But how many things on this list do you actually do? They sound pretty easy but I was surprised to find that I wasn’t doing most of these things. I think if people pledged to do one of these things a day, or even a week, then we’d have a lot of kinder hearts going around. Lord knows my heart could definitely do with a lot more kindness. So now every time I’m leaving the house and I pass this in the corridor, I read one thing and try and keep it in my heart.
I found a really cool fashion challenge online and decided to try it out. It’s a 21 day challenge and I’ll be starting sometime this week. I’m posting it up here in case anyone wants to try it for themselves:
Day 1: choose something to remix three times during these 21 days.
Day 2: tuck it in!
Day 3: mix patterns.
Day 4: colour block.
Day 5: belt it!
Day 6: wear something in an unexpected way.
Day 7: la
Day 8: dressy meets casual.
Day 9: monochrome.
Day 10: wear a closet orphan.
Day 11: dress or skirt.
Day 12: jazz up your jeans.
Day 13: neutral with a pop!
Day 14/15: copycat and new hair.
Day 16: menswear.
Day 17: repair & wear.
Day 18: statement jewellery.
Day 19: adorn your hair.
Day 20: Sunday shoes on a Saturday.
Day 21: work it.
I just had a huge shopping spree on Thursday, where I was trying to buy clothes that fit in with my fashion persona. If anyone is interested, my fashion persona is a classic romantic with a little bit of trendy once in a while. I like to think of myself as a fashion chameleon. :)
So I’m super excited about this challenge. I have so many ideas! If you do decide to give it a try, let me know.
This is officially my list of yummy celebrities. The ones who make me inwardly blush whenever they grace my screen with their presence. I’m not really the kind of girl to get all drooly just cause of a good-looking guy so they all have something special. With that said, let’s get to the list. It’s not in order, btw.
1. Adam Levine. Yum! I just started watching The Voice. Team Adam all the way! Those tatted arms and sexy hair just do it for me. Mmh.
2. Taylor Kitsch. Tim Riggins was hands down my favourite. And I have absolutely no shame in saying that the only reason I dragged my tooch down to the cinema for John Carter was for handsome Taylor and his gorgeous hair.
3. Justin Bieber. I know, I know. I even hate myself for saying this one. But this is only for the Boyfriend video. I don’t care much for Justin the rest of the time. The way he looks into the camera makes me melt. It’s like he can see into my soul. And I swear I typed that with a straight face.
4. Zayn Malik. Or scratch that, the whole of One Direction. But mostly Zayn. Cause they’re One Direction. Need I say more?
5. Ehem…don’t judge me on this one. Princeton from Mindless Behavior and the other one with the big hair. (do you sense a trend with the hair?) I know they’re like 16. But still, those guys can move!
Those are the only ones I can think of right now, it’s nearly midnight and I’m sleep deprived. But you can bet I’ll be updating my list soon..
I’m becoming a slave to fashion. Clothes are slowly starting to take over my brain. In this past week I can’t remember a day passing without me being on the Net looking at something fashion related. I love going through my closet, trying stuff on, creating new combos. I guess I’ve just always had this style animal inside me waiting to be released. It wasn’t how I was brought up. My mom believed in only dressing up for special occasions. She even used to encourage me to save my new underwear for when we were going somewhere special. Ha ha, I still get a laugh out of that one.
I’m the total opposite now that I’m an adult. I’ve built up a very versatile wardrobe, (say good riddance to my consistent T-shirt and hoodie days) and carefully add specific pieces every so often. I’m lucky enough to be able to look good every day, so why not take advantage of it? I don’t mean dressing to the nines every single day, but you can still really look in a shirt and jeans if you know how.
The whole idea of saving a certain outfit for a special day is ridiculous, IMHO. And it extends to other parts of our life. (here’s why I go all Dr Phil on you and tell you why saving those shoes of yours is the reason you didn’t get that promotion :D ) but seriously speaking, one of the most important lessons I’ve learnt this year is to live in the moment and make the most out of every day. Carpe diem. That should seriously be my new mantra.
Looking good every day works wonders for your self esteem and for your image. You’d be surprised at the tiny things people notice. Try it. And you’re welcome, in advance.
I can’t believe today is the last day of 2012. I’m torn between excitement and sadness. 2012 was a stellar year for me; right from the actual minute it kicked off, down to last night.
2012 saw me get over my worst breakup yet, it saw me grow into a woman who isn’t afraid to speak up for herself.
It saw me get over my insecurities and perceived flaws and learn to truly accept, and in time love myself.
It saw me turn 18!! I’m legal now. :) I still relish saying that after six months.
2012 saw me turn a best friend into a boyfriend. It took exactly one year, from last year December to this year December for the two of us to get where we are now.
I want to write a love letter to 2012 and tell it how much I appreciate it. How much this year has meant to me. How I’ve learnt so much about myself than in all my other 17 years combined. 2012 was beautiful; is beautiful. If God wishes me to live to see the coming years, this year will stand out in my memory. The turning point. The beginning of a new era in my life.
So thank you. From the bottom of my heart, I thank you for being the most wonderful year I’ve ever had so far. And an even greater thank you to God for letting me be there to witness each passing day in exceeding health.
All I can say is, 2013, you’ve got some huge shoes to fill. But something tells me you’ll do just fine.
Lots of love.
reminded by how fast time flies and how blessed we are, I am, to live to see this year passing. November has seen my love November has been a funny month for me. Not bad, just different. Every month that passes, I’m grow, it was supposed to see me graduate but that’s a story for another day, and I decided to start a new little segment that I dreamed up the middle of last month.
So, to welcome December, I’m starting a new little (hopefully permanent) ritual where I write down all my goals, expectations and hopes for the coming month then try to tackle them bit by bit every day. Sounds like fun, right? Here goes.
v Resume my Zumba on a regular basis.
v Do my toning exercises every day for the next month.
v Make sure I fulfill at least one clause a day.
v Do my devotional every day.
v Consciously make an effort to make this thing with Sam work.
That’s all I can think of for now; I didn’t want my list to be inundated by so many things that I’d get exhausted after a week or so. Baby steps. Wish me luck. :)
Anyone who knows me knows that I'm a hopeless romantic. I believe in soul mates and "the one" and remaining pure until marriage and probably anything else you can think of. I'm a hopeless optimist. But sometimes you need a little dose of reality.
There's this guy friend of mine. I've known him for about 2 years and we have this on again off again friendship. He contacts me after months of silence, we hit it off as if nothing ever happened then proceed to have so many fights that we decide not to speak to each other. And it starts all over again.
I'm the kind of person who, if I decide I don't want you in my life, then that's it. Fin. But the chemistry I have with him is so strong even when we're fighting that I always wonder whether kismet or fate or whatever you believe in intends for us to be friends and we just keep messing it up every time. At what point do you stop being a hopeless optimist and start being a realist or, dare I say it, a cynic?
Haha, on a side note, a really cool joke I read: Dear optimist and pessimist, while you were busy arguing about whether the glass was empty or half full, I drank it. Sincerely, the opportunist. :D
Ever since my last relationship, I realized that I’ve built a guard around me. I disguise it by being coy but really, that’s just my fancy word for ‘shield’. I remember I was on a lunch date with this guy and he told me point blank that I’m a very hard person to read.
I was thrilled. I’ve being practicing my poker face (in vain) ever since Lady Gaga’s song came out. It just seems so handy, especially for girls like me who say everything is fine when IT CLEARLY ISN’T. But now I’m starting to second guess myself. Is it really good to have a shield permanently in place? Practical, yes, but beneficial? I’m not so sure.
See, there’s a guy. There’s always a guy. :) I don’t want to jinx it so I won’t go into details. But he’s something special. He is so good to me, and he makes me want to be a nice person to deserve all that goodness coming my way. I’m kind of a bitch. (but of course he sees all the good in me that I sometimes miss). Simply put, he’s a Godsend.
I wish I could tell him how I feel. He knows how I feel about him. But I wish I could tell him how often I think about him. And how agitated I get when I don’t talk to him. How much I miss him. How much he means to me. And how amazing he is, in EVERY sense of the word. Usually I have no problem getting touchy feely. That’s practically my middle name. And it’s not that I’m scared. I haven’t felt this secure with someone in a long time. So rationally, I have nothing to worry about.
But try telling that to my heart. It’s built a wall of stone all around it, making it a conscious effort to show my feelings. The guy, let’s call him Mr. Kookie, once told me that he thinks I have a little bit of influence over him, but that the feeling wasn’t reciprocated. And I wanted to shout my protest. I wanted to tell him that he doesn’t know how much he’s gotten under my skin. But I couldn’t. One, cause of that damn shield. And two, because I knew he wouldn’t believe me. And why would he? I don’t act like a girl in love.
So from that day I vowed to let my guard down little by little. He probably hasn’t noticed a single thing, like me telling him that I miss him. Or me picking up his calls after he’s woken me up (I don’t do that for anybody). Or me waiting around for ages when he’s running late (don’t do that either). But for me, bending the rules that everyone else plays by, those are my little ways of letting someone in. And maybe I can finally start chipping that wall around my heart, brick by damn brick.
So before I go any further, I think I should give you guys a short brief on why I write. I started writing last year September, after a particularly painful breakup. I remember reading somewhere that one of the steps in getting over a failed relationship is finding out where you went wrong. So I started. I analysed all my past relationships (they weren’t that many, they were only 3) and checked for any patterns. I compared everything: their physical traits, what attracted me to them, how they treated me, how I behaved. Everything.
And I found it was too much to write all down; I had to share it. So I started a blog. I called it Single In the Big City (told you I was a big Sex and the City fan!) and it was all about being a newly single girl and everything that comes along with it. My blog is the first place where I was free to be totally myself. I never told any of my friends about it because it gave me the chance to be a different person. I was flawed, and vulnerable and okay with it.
My blog will always be my baby, even if it’s dead. It may seem weird to go on and on about it but it really helped me discover parts of myself I never even knew existed. I learnt more about me in that 1 year than I ever did in my 17 other years combined. I really wish I could share those articles with you guys but I’ve let go and I’m ready to make a new baby here.
My mood: somewhat excited
I haven’t written in ages so I forgot how therapeutic writing is for me. I shut down my blog some weeks, maybe months back cause I didn’t have the time to maintain it. I tried going without writing for a while, but what can I say? I’m a born writer. Writing is my release. It helps me figure out my feelings and set the record straight, and it makes me feel awesome. there’s nothing like that feeling when you come up with a witty punchline. My role model writer would have to be Carrie Bradshaw, she’s amazing and I’ve quoted Sex and the City a fair number of times.
Anyway, back to the point. I was going through my old posts just now, I keep them for sentimental value. And it just got me so nostalgic. I remember the feeling I’d get when I had a great blog topic and how I’d wake up in the middle of a school night just to write it all down when it was fresh. And the feeling of accomplishment when I knew I had written my socks off. EP is awesome, but it’s just not the same as having a blog. That’s why I’ve decided to revive my blog. Or at least partly. My writing won’t be frequent, but at least I’ll be writing again. That’s the most important thing.
My mood: somewhat excited
I’ve decided to start keeping a journal. For the tenth time. I always start with so much gusto and then it dies out somewhere along the line. Somehow journaling has never been for me. But I’m trying to change some things about myself and all the experts suggest writing down your thoughts and feelings, so I thought I’d give it a try.
Why have I decided to work on myself, you may ask. Well for that I’d have to give you a brief history about myself. (Please don’t fall asleep!)
It all started when my ex broke up, in August last year. He was my first love. I loved him more than anything but that love was also very unhealthy, almost an obsession. When we broke up, I was able to recognize all the signs that I had otherwise missed and I was determined to never let myself become that woman so I started working on myself, figuring out what made me me and why I acted like I did. If you’re interested, you can read my blog here. The result was the best year of my life. Seriously. I learnt more about myself in that one year than I’ve ever known in all those other 17 years combined.
Slowly, as the months progressed, I built a new me. A stronger, more independent, less naïve but still fabulous version of myself. I stopped depending on guys to make me feel good about myself. I stopped being hating my cellulite. I even became okay with and dare I say it, started loving being single. And that’s where I am. So why have I suddenly decided on a lazy Sunday afternoon to take up journaling?
Well I’ve fallen back into that pit of loneliness, where I miss having a boyfriend. It’s nothing new, the feeling comes and goes. No one ever enjoys being single. Except instead of wallowing in despair and flinging myself at boys in an attempt to fill a void, I discovered the perfect way of getting over my temporary low.
I’m a firm believer that everything happens for a reason. And I believe that the reason God hasn’t given me my Mr. Right is that I’m not yet ready for him and if he were to come along now, I would end up screwing things up; whether intentionally or inadvertently. So instead of praying day and night for a boyfriend, I try and make myself a person that someone would actually want to be with.
So far that has comprised of getting rid of my bitchy attitude, my pride (the bad kind), my pessimism, remaining a virgin (for religious and personal reasons) and basically just trying to be the best person I can be. Something I have learnt however, is that however much you improve yourself, there’s always going to be something more that you can do. I’m not obsessed with being perfect, but I am determined to be the best version of myself I can possibly be. And I do have a few red flags in my personality and character, as does everybody. So that’s what my journal series is about. I would really love it if you’d help me see it through. Any support, comments or contributions are appreciated more than you know. That’s all for now.
My mood: pretty optimistic
Previous PostsSamantha Brick, I applaud you!, posted March 26th, 2013
When Your Castles Come Crashing Down, posted March 1st, 2013
The Foolproof Guide To A Perfect Relationship, posted February 12th, 2013
Mr. Emotionally Abusive Part 2, posted February 9th, 2013
Mr. Emotionally Abusive, posted February 9th, 2013
Fitness Frenzy, posted February 6th, 2013
Restoring my faith in romance, posted February 6th, 2013
Daily Mirror, posted February 6th, 2013
21 day Fashion Challenge., posted January 7th, 2013
My celebrity crushes., posted January 7th, 2013
Carpe Diem. The fashion way., posted January 7th, 2013
My Love Letter To 2012, posted December 31st, 2012
New month...New goals., posted December 3rd, 2012
A Touch Of Reality, posted October 31st, 2012
Brick By Damn Brick, posted October 29th, 2012
A Little Background Info.., posted October 29th, 2012
The Rebirth, posted October 29th, 2012
Journalling, posted September 26th, 2012
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